Positive Reflection

Amal has been an experience full of learning, improvement and surprises since the first session. I remember appearing for the screening sessions prior to admission — woken up a jiffy ago by the alarm wired at sharp reporting time. And although my interest in the beginning was fickle, I was pulled towards the program as if there was something waiting for me. I do not want to sound dramatic but there is no better way to put it; I needed this learning opportunity for reasons I hadn’t really figured out in the start. Now that I write this blog, as a tread down the memory lane, I cannot help but smile at how things are mapped out for us without our conscious knowing.

I have had the chance to invoke my facilities through various activities, interactions and conversations but the instance that left the deepest imprint on me was the one on one session with Ma’am Zeest. I do not want to sound like I have an oily tongue to maneuver a favor through this appreciation, but given the impact I have felt, it is bound to feel like one for its incredibility. I identify myself as someone who can work in groups, but prefers to work alone because I am naturally self-motivated and almost always giving feet to my thoughts. This is at times complicated, because I do not like to entitle myself to leadership roles deliberately, even when I have been awarded the responsibility several times. And when it comes to being led, it has been difficult for me to adjust. What Ma’am Zeest does is that she leads you without leading, if that makes sense. And that is how I felt like, when she was listening to me, understanding me and still, not for the slightest bit, being difficult to connect with.

I explained to her all of the issues that I had been facing and the complications within my personal and professional lives. I was confounded by questions, uncertainties and what-ifs and wish-nots that trouble all those who think they have the potential to do certain things yet they are scared to take a step. With a cool face, and a calm head she straightened away all the creases of self-doubt and inspired me to become bigger than my problems. She motivated me to explore my potential and not give up on myself or my abilities due to my undesirable circumstances. The wonderful thing about this instance was that all she did was listen and speak, and yet it mattered, impacted and resonated with me like a lesson one must never forget.

After that meeting, I decided to apply to MFA programs in the USA, and get into the concentration of poetic craft. I started to learn about various university programs while at the same time keeping an eye out for how I could fund myself for the dues. I went back to my poetry manuscript, buckled up to edit it like a madwoman. I began to connect with more poets and writers, something which I had been reluctant about due to my own introverted temperament. I ended up being friends with a current student at Syracuse University and finding a potential mentor at Agnes Scott College. By getting in touch with several people, I was able to build a network of literary folks who contributed greatly to my understanding of art, literature and life abroad. This has been a huge success for me as it made me feel like I was finally getting out of my comfort zone, sending out hundreds of emails just to better understand what I want.

I do realize that there is uncertainty about me securing an admission, or worse, I could decide something completely different given how spontaneous and unpredictable I am. But one thing I learnt is that you can never play safe; if you really want to do something — like really really want to do something — you have to go head in, no strings attached. The meeting with Ma’am Zeest powered me with risk-taking science, to get serious about things within my control and to put on hold things that are out of my control. She made me more keen on battles that I should not pick yet — something which I was actively ruining myself with. She has encouraged me to stop creating excuses out of my circumstances and to just get started, and let the journey pan out. Her encouragement has allowed me to take things in my own hand and to take responsibility with all its consequences.

There are not many people in my life who can pervade my rigidity in decision-making, but Ma’am Zeest’s welcoming response to the apple pie of my career plans rekindled a passion within me to change my now, for a better then. She created a safe space for me to share what was keeping me from exploring my interests, and influenced me to trust myself too. Her positive energy has always encouraged me to participate more in the sessions, to do better in the projects and to help out other fellows without an agenda. The biggest takeaway from this fellowship for me is perhaps the fact that you do not need to be with someone in-person for them to leave an impact on you, sometimes you get lucky and find someone like Ma’am Zeest who will tell you you got this and it will be enough.